I need to feel complete.

still kisses with saliva

Things as I have planned them, are going well... as planned.

It's true that when you have an active mind, and stay active, it leaves little time for anything else.
I've been sticking to this strict regiment that I feel is furthering myself in every single way possible.
Last night I had a near break-down, and felt the heat of the melting. I lied in bed, sat in bed and read in bed, and it eventually passed. I slept from 4:30 a.m. - 7:24 a.m. and survived today on endless rounds of coffee, however I have been thoroughly reading/studying for the past five hours and haven't felt the bit of restlessness (but I really can't wait to sleep tonight).

Today I stumbled across an Yashica 635 that I can't wait to get shooting with. I can't wait to get some film for it.

I'm going to sink myself into a great body of water until I figure out my settings and needing for the next while, because I'm stuck on unknown.

Sigur Rós - ( )
Mogwai - Mr Beast
... I'm sure you can tell what sort of mood I am in.

"Trousers with a crease were considered plebian; the crease proved that the garment had lain upon a shelf and hence was ready-made. With evening dress, a gentleman wore a tan overcoat, so short that his black coattails hung visible five inches below the overcoat. But after a season or two, he lengthened his overcoat till it touched his heels. And he passed out of his tight trousers into trousers like great bags. In those days, they had time for everything. Time for sleigh rides, and balls, and assemblies, and cotillions, and open house on New Year's, and all-day picnics in the woods, and even that prettiest of all vanished customs: the serenade. Of a summer night, young men would bring an orchestra under a pretty girl's window, and flute, harp, fiddle, cello, cornet, bass viol, would presently release their melodies to the dulcet stars. Against so home-spun a background, the magnificence of the Ambersons was as conspicuous as a brass band at a funeral."

I wish I could make it out to some deserted place and be left in a field to just sit and wonder. some times everyone needs a break from the machines and the gadgets and the technology and the stress. far away.

I want to see the Northern Lights one more time before I age too much.

LIFE AS I KNOW IT IS OVER

Dear God, please help me.

I've been watching all these news programs about this "Chernobyl disaster" that had happened twenty years ago this week, and honestly, where have I been hiding?? How much more intense shit am I left out on??

Here is a site where you can read and find out about it more, there are some pictures, it's numbing.Chernobyl


On one of the shows I was watching there was an interview with the photographer there, and he was talking about how the plant workers had to shovel through radioactive debris with their bare hands, and could only do it for thirty seconds at a time. What the fuck is wrong with the world?

too much time to lose my mind

Friday is coming up, am I suppose to feel some excitement?














In a nutshell, basically how the kicker of the weekend (pictured Friday night) started. After this was Tijuana flats and a girl with very large boobs, me and how I shouldn't of been driving, and then more that I don't remember/want to write.

It's already Thursday night and I guess I don't have any substance filling my week, because there's nothing to write from Monday-now.

I've been spending a lot of more time actually looking at sites online with substance outside of self-portrait photographs and profiles to up your ego. It's been a good time, and becoming a staple in my usage of this machine.

So there is this fish, that is up to par with... LSD. It's nicknamed the "dream fish" (the common name for ichthyoallyeinotoxic fishes) I wonder when we will evolve into the world of escapist fishing for a high. ohh.

A few entries back I explained my sudden grief for life, and one reason being my ipod mishap. Well, I somehow got it to reinstate itself, with the catch that I can't plug it into my computer (i.e. - upload songs, take songs off) What a total bum-out, but oh well atleast it's music. Anyways I was holding out on buying the video ipod because of rumors of this insane new ipod coming out soon. Well, I don't know how much longer I can wait, but here is a picture of the 'rumored' new ipod...
















Along with the LSD fish, I've been reading up a lot about the current situation in N. Uganda. Basically there has been a basic civil war going on, and since the late eighties a group was formed called the Lord's Resistance Army (LRA) basically in opposition of the government (major conflict) but they are basically religious guerrillas and just a horrid thought to even think about. They have been abducting children for the use of children soldiers and even sex slaves, not to mention a great deal of slaughters that are being done too. Since about 1987 20,000 children have vanished, facing this disgusting ending. Basically this is something most people overlook everyday, or never even know is happening (like myself). Don Cheadle (from the movie Hotel Rwanda, which also you should see if you haven't) has been over there following these children escaping their kidnapping and there is a documentary on it. You can get more information on the coverage at journey into the sunset. Also, there is a mass movement going on to help this, and a lot more information that you can find at invisible children. I can't stop thinking about it, and wanting to find out more. My mind gets numb thinking about what is going on, and how something like this can even be happening (and has been happening for years) Regardless, it's something I want to have a helping hand in.


I've been feeling really out of it lately, thinking about myself. I spend so much time thinking, and never enough time doing. If I want to become a better person, I've got to act and physically do. I've been caring about things a lot more, and taking things a lot more serious. I even picked up a book that I've been meaning to finish for quite awhile now, and am close to done with it since yesterday (Jean-Paul Sartre's Nausea) Along with my mindful enrichment, I've been trying to eat a lot more healthy too. The past two nights I've had chicken salad, and it's been great, the lettuce was even picked from the garden here. Now that is a good thing, but it also became a bad thing... See below.














Mid way through the meal, I noticed this thing, I about lost two weeks worth of food. I don't know how long it's going to take me to be brave with the lettuce again.

In honor of today's date, here is a entertaining article to really get your mind...aware? ones mind on drugs.

I got gas today after I spent a few hours in the library doing several papers, needless to say I have five dollars left to my name. As soon as I sell my innocence to Ryan (records bye-bye) I'll be feeling things again.

Speaking of feeling, these are just some things I've got to get my hands on A.S.A.P.
































I've wasted about half an hour doing this, but it's been an enjoyable escape from the mounds of papers I'm writing. I had to write a paper on advertisements and I'm really proud of it. It's double the criteria that was assigned, and I used Vice Magazine, so it was fun. Back to it for me, live life.




























this is my PLAYLIST TO KEEP BUSY TO:
1. Beach Boys - Pet Sounds
2. Placebo - Meds
3. MORRISSEY - RINGLEADER OF THE TORMENTORS (so goooood)
4. Death Cab - Transatlanticism (Transatlanticism the song gives me chills)
5. Iron And Wine - Our Endless Numbered Days

VIVA LA BLOG.

I use to know where I could find myself.

Time flies even when you're not having fun. I don't think I'll ever adjust to the whole aging, growing up thing. I have felt irresponsible, free, and vulnerable (sixteen) for the past three years. I'm just going to continue to tell myself one day I'll wake up and realize money matters, love isn't really imperative (come on, who'm I foolin'?), and lifes going to purge itself... I think that whole process is called college graduation?

Fuck everyday is supposed to be a step up, but I'm stuck flat as a deck on this level. There's got to be this revelation or something's got to explode in front of my face (real soon), right?

I have exactly three more days of classes, but it's going to feel like more. I'm not looking forward to sleeping, or eating at all because it will just make me throw up.

Here, I'm just going to be honest, I'm not too excited about summer... nothing is really holding my eyes open at night, no hopes are standing on my chest, and there's no possible relation-I-love-this-unknown-feeling situation going on. Oh well, I'll just stick to nothingness and try to save some money and buy some more things I feel I need.

In all honesty, I wish I were staying in New York City, lately I've felt I have had this longing and need of being there. I just want to be in the atmosphere and around it all. I want to sleep through most the day and forget most the night. I also want to invest in new longsleeve shirts, and get a gas station job (in NYC)... but that wont happen (is this where college comes in?)










This is what I've sort of been listening to non stop, I have about half the album, I need to buy the other half. a.s.a.p.

And this is what Sara had sent me today, mid-way a very intense conversation of music, bad music, and the ice-berg of global warming. Eddie plays tennis, but Sara sent me this... thanks...
















Of course this site is being a burden, and the upload icon will not function for me. It's back to normalcy (messy rooms, half-written papers, and diet cokes) for me. More in-depth, pictures, opinions next time (don't I say this everytime?)

I felt something, then I found out something, so I'm over something.

Sleep easily for once.

searching for life's blood

ipod broken, not putting forth valiant effort to college, broken skateboard, no money (no job), never being worth it, car broken (it just had to happen, right?), bad relationships, self-esteem issues, EMOTIONAL WRECK.

i am going to figure it out.

p.s. please don't comment.

What's my life for?

I was going to do quite an in-depth update with +'s and -'s and some reviews (stuff I want to get a hold of such as stussy chop-stix) but somehow wine and whiskey found their way to me before photoshop got done loading. deal with it.

small talk with jaime, i don't know, i hate this. fuck capitilizing i's.

- i had my hands on a g4 powermac, but becuase of fucking pverdraft fees, i had to fork over four hundred dollars to the fucking bank. i'm not too happy.

- i've got the best mother ever, she got me a beatles shirt, and a plain white t (my favvvvv) and some peeps, i love her more than anything.














- right now it's thursday, and tomorrow is friday... which means tijuna flats (spelling?) with my sister.
- i ripped my ghostace t-shirt at the skatepark today, so i started to sew the image on another shirt, but i'm so fucking lazy.

i'm just gonna throw in some +'s and -'s to get some ='s outta my mind.

+ girls in flannel gear (so hot)
- flat spots on two of my wheels (total fucking bum-out)
- loosing four hundred dollars from months ago
+ losing three pounds
- flagler county being on spring break (little kids, everywhere)
+ wine (for the first time ever, i like it)
- fat girls with nasty titties trying to add me on myspace
- ankle pain non-stop since about 4 p.m.
+ clean room, with white sheets (so inviting)
- still being so fucking depressed


















































mothershit, i must be such a fucking sour being. fuck this, i'll get a more healthy update later.


















someone love me, please?

I should leave here right now. I'll start over.

Everyone is racing so fucking fast.


I'm not too proud of the way I have ended up, but I'm not too ashamed either. But yesterday I found myself (mid-escapism) thinking aloud with tears and shaking hands. I sat above green grass and thought about this solitude (I can only express) that I've made myself. I'm killing my social skills, I'm killing my friendships, I'm killing myself. I find it everyday that I become more and more a hermit, and feel further and further from friendship. I've always had a problem with loneliness, but it's getting really bad. I'm not saying loneliness in reference to the female situation, just in an overall consensus. I don't know why I'm writing about it, I just want to find some level ground to mediate something. I don't want to feel completely alone anymore.



















Today in film class we watched a movie that I don't really remember the first time around (that I saw it) but I really saw it this time. It was Spike Jonze's Adaptation. I wish I could go into it with this keyboard and hear the never ending noise of fingers to keys tapping, but I'd rather just say if you haven't seen it, do so. If that movie doesn't make you want to feel something, nothing will.

"Point is, what's so wonderful is that every one of these flowers has a specific relationship with the insect that pollinates it. There's a certain orchid look exactly like a certain insect so the insect is drawn to this flower, its double, its soul mate, and wants nothing more than to make love to it. And after the insect flies off, spots another soul-mate flower and makes love to it, thus pollinating it. And neither the flower nor the insect will ever understand the significance of their lovemaking. I mean, how could they know that because of their little dance the world lives? But it does. By simply doing what they're designed to do, something large and magnificent happens. In this sense they show us how to live - how the only barometer you have is your heart. How, when you spot your flower, you can't let anything get in your way. "





























School is basically over, and this is the first time I think I've ever felt... nothing. Summer isn't really reality to me. I have no feeling. I just want to be in New York City, or maybe lost somewhere. I need to find someone. fuck.



















"everyone wishes they could be sixteen again"

I break the back of love for you

M O T H E R F U C K E R.

I feel like I am the only person in the world who is listening to this album. I can't stop spinning it, from start to finish... so good.


















"It'’s in the water baby
It'’s in the pills that pick you up
It'’s in the water baby
It'’s in the special way we fuck
It'’s in the water baby
It'’s in your family tree
It'’s in the water baby
It'’s between you and me"






















ONE DAY I WILL FIND YOU.

I want the top of the world.

For as long as I can remember I've always had a problem with stability. Whether it be with what I'm doing, who I'm with, or what I even am; I'm constantly stopping myself in half rotation realizing that I've molded something, altered this, or changed that. Like most things in my life (that I remarkably come upon as vital) I'm not sure if it's an up or a down, regardless, at least I figured it out.

Today I awoke at 9:36 a.m. and opened my sore eyes and didn't know what had happened the night before. All I really remember was the power going off, me looking at the window, and then waking up. Back to the point... I got out of bed, brushed my teeth and sat down on the floor. I continued in this position watching my clock change until about 10:12 a.m. I was suppose to be at work at 10 a.m. I found out last night that I was ripped off by them (They paid me $2.75 less than what they said) - fuck them.

So I'm done with work, and I (starting tomorrow) have twelve days left of my first year of college. All I can really think about is how disappointed I am with myself because I've really fucked up. I let myself down everytime... I really need to grow up on that.

I have about a thousand dollars saved for my powerbook. I just need to gather the shipping cost, and I will be in happiness (mac-bliss).

As of late I've been skateboarding a lot more. It's probably the first or second (of only about five?) things that currently really make me happy. I'm real excited that I can go to the skatepark after school now and not worry about restock at fucking work.

I went into the library today to do some math homework, and got nothing done but the fucking of my head up. I sat at a round table with papers and books spread out (with a calculator somewhere in the mix) and fixed my eyes on the floor. I was thinking about something that use to mean so much to me. I am nineteen years old, I'm going to be twenty (WHAT THE FUCK) this year, and I have no memory of the last three years? Where is my mind? I was fixated on the floor thinking of being sixteen, and thinking of someone that use to mean so much to me. Nothing lasts forever, I've said it before, but I really think that I mean it this time. I loved this person as much as was let of me, everything was her. We survived relationships, fights, disappearances, and even eachother. I thought time had told us that this was real. I guess times change though, and thinking about it, I don't even know if it was ever real. It's hard to deal with, and it really truly ruined me. I am stuck in this insecure shell, constantly dreaming of then, there's nothing I can do. I tell myself that I just want to know what is going on in her mind, but deep down... I don't want to know, I'd be too sick to my stomach. I guess metaphors and sayings lace my life... I loved, and I lost.

It's April 9th. 2006 today. I haven't spoken with my dad since the early days of January, 2006. I wonder how long we can make this absence last.

I'm done spilling everything on here now, and I didn't even meet have my list (yes, I make a list of what I want to write about) but I'm too out of it now. Here are some pictures.














































































TOP FIVE SONGS:






I'LL SEE YOU AT THE BITTER END. (Eat that for an update.)

I'VE BEEN LACKING THE SUBSTANCE...

I had to weed through those last two whim-tree's.

Today, I am unemployed, and have a lot of math homework.

Later today... UPDATE. PHOTOS/INFO/LIFE

redirection to a new state

everyone wants a grip.

i want to skateboard more.

you're always in my mind.

Everything turned into a state of drip. Giving up, in, and out... drifting out of reality and decaying to the simple form that slips through the little cracks stepped on daily and quickly. nothing is of want here, and no one really realizes if you stay or leave, don't say good-bye (you'll spoil the mood) just fall into me and tell me where you want to be. I, just like you, don't want this to end, so let's avoid tearing you from i. I want you, but once again it all just drips away and will be forgotten way too soon. Give in, don't sleep, and never open your mouth.

day upon day of this wandering gets you down

Decadence for the sake of decadence.

this has got to end, I'm dying.