I want the top of the world.

For as long as I can remember I've always had a problem with stability. Whether it be with what I'm doing, who I'm with, or what I even am; I'm constantly stopping myself in half rotation realizing that I've molded something, altered this, or changed that. Like most things in my life (that I remarkably come upon as vital) I'm not sure if it's an up or a down, regardless, at least I figured it out.

Today I awoke at 9:36 a.m. and opened my sore eyes and didn't know what had happened the night before. All I really remember was the power going off, me looking at the window, and then waking up. Back to the point... I got out of bed, brushed my teeth and sat down on the floor. I continued in this position watching my clock change until about 10:12 a.m. I was suppose to be at work at 10 a.m. I found out last night that I was ripped off by them (They paid me $2.75 less than what they said) - fuck them.

So I'm done with work, and I (starting tomorrow) have twelve days left of my first year of college. All I can really think about is how disappointed I am with myself because I've really fucked up. I let myself down everytime... I really need to grow up on that.

I have about a thousand dollars saved for my powerbook. I just need to gather the shipping cost, and I will be in happiness (mac-bliss).

As of late I've been skateboarding a lot more. It's probably the first or second (of only about five?) things that currently really make me happy. I'm real excited that I can go to the skatepark after school now and not worry about restock at fucking work.

I went into the library today to do some math homework, and got nothing done but the fucking of my head up. I sat at a round table with papers and books spread out (with a calculator somewhere in the mix) and fixed my eyes on the floor. I was thinking about something that use to mean so much to me. I am nineteen years old, I'm going to be twenty (WHAT THE FUCK) this year, and I have no memory of the last three years? Where is my mind? I was fixated on the floor thinking of being sixteen, and thinking of someone that use to mean so much to me. Nothing lasts forever, I've said it before, but I really think that I mean it this time. I loved this person as much as was let of me, everything was her. We survived relationships, fights, disappearances, and even eachother. I thought time had told us that this was real. I guess times change though, and thinking about it, I don't even know if it was ever real. It's hard to deal with, and it really truly ruined me. I am stuck in this insecure shell, constantly dreaming of then, there's nothing I can do. I tell myself that I just want to know what is going on in her mind, but deep down... I don't want to know, I'd be too sick to my stomach. I guess metaphors and sayings lace my life... I loved, and I lost.

It's April 9th. 2006 today. I haven't spoken with my dad since the early days of January, 2006. I wonder how long we can make this absence last.

I'm done spilling everything on here now, and I didn't even meet have my list (yes, I make a list of what I want to write about) but I'm too out of it now. Here are some pictures.














































































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I'LL SEE YOU AT THE BITTER END. (Eat that for an update.)