for years i've been sleeping helpless

It's been awhile, and I must say, a lot has been going on.

The constant struggle of life is just constantly being thrown into deeper waters, and I keep getting more lost. I wish I could say I am somehow "finding out who I really am, more about me" but I'm not. I'm becoming more and more a stranger.

I have joined the numbers, the stupid statistics, yes, I am one of them. I find myself starring at pictures of when I was young, when we had family, when we had moments, and I can't stop my mind or eyes from wondering when did everything go wrong?

I have reached such a point where I know I can't grab control, that I am moving in my my mother, in rural Bunnel, Florida. It's about 30-40 minutes away from school, and more importantly, and heart-breaking, my best friend. I'm going to hate it, and it's going to be hard, but for some reason, I feel good will come from this. I'm only getting worse there.

Today I went to the skatepark all by my lonesome and put my ipod on and just skated for a few hours. It wasn't too pleasant with the heat, and hurting toe, but it felt so good to just feel something, anything. Plus I got a few nollie heels in. To stop with the text, I can't wait to avoid life more, and skate more.

After that, I came home and layed down because I never sleep at night. I made a playlist earlier with some of the best music ever, it had radiohead, starsailor, neil diamond, smashing pumpkins, etc.. on it and it really hit the spot. I kept waking up to the sigur ros songs though, and they did something to my brain. I had some of the worst dreams I think I've ever had, and I don't want to think of them.

These next few months, or this lack of "season" is my favorite, so I'm trying to look up. My birthday is soon, the weather will change, the nights will be longer, and maybe I will find a girl who will only laugh at my jokes. Or maybe I will still try to be fine without that.